I recently discovered symptoms of PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) I have experienced this past year. Although not surprised, I felt relieved that I finally found a label. Like the redemptive process of naming sin and confessing it, the horrors I experienced are coming forth named, dealt with, and moving towards a path of redemption.
Posttraumatic stress disorder occurs when one has "lived through a traumatic event that caused them to fear for their lives, see horrible things, and feel helpless" .
The severity of the disorder depends on the following factors:
How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
If you lost someone you were close to or were hurt
How close you were to the event
How strong your reaction was
How much you felt in control of events
How much help and support you got after the event
For each of these factors, I could write a couple of stories.
What are some of the symptoms I have had?
- reliving the event
- avoiding situations that remind me of the event
- numbness
- being keyed up
Other "common problems" associated with PTSD include drug abuse, physical reactions, relational breakdown, employment issues, and feelings of hopelessness, shame, and despair. I'd be lying if I didn't say that this resonates.
Ephesians 6 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Learning how to recognize how these events impacted me and my ministry now, and how to engage my faith in that process remains the crux of the issue. The grace of God undergirds this entire process. Amen I'm on a process of learning to see how these events were not a barrier to my growth, but rather a means by which I am further developing my heart and passion for God's heart and His love for redemption of the world.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Anxiety, and Redemption
Yesterday, I found myself once again in the throes of anxiety. This remains a new, unknown struggle to me. Sure, unsure seasons have come upon me before in my life - but panic attacks are uncharted territory. This summer, this fall, and this spring I've come upon these crazy seasons.
Often, when seeking healing for these things, the symptoms often become worse before they become better. However, as stuff rises to the surface, my receptivity to Scripture and new words from the Lord becomes more acute.
Actually, these are more just pure, divine breakthroughs.
Again, yesterday, I sat in staff meeting with my other coworkers studying Matthew 16:21-28 together. We are going through a commentary on Matthew by Charles Price (a pastor I once heard in Toronto).
There are two things he says in his commentary in regards to the self-denial Christ speaks of:
1) "To remain single or to marry and have children is neither the goal nor the phobia of life. The goal is that at all times, in all circumstances, and at any cost we become the means by which God is able to do his work and fulfil his purpose, irrespective of personal implications to ourselves."
- for me, meaning this anxiety is one of the means by which God is doing His work (not that He wants me to have anxiety, but that it could be redeemed and used rightly)
2) "There is virtue only in settling the issue of the Lordship of Christ, and everything else falls into place as a consequence of that."
- God is Lord over this anxiety.
Similarly, an important distinction lies between worldly and godly sorrow. Worldly sorrow says in the face of anxiety - "Crap! I'm anxious again - what's wrong with me? I'm so messed up! I'll never be ok, etc., etc., etc." Godly sorrow, however, carries a far different component. Not only does the hope of healing ("salvation") lie in its midst, godly sorrow also carries an ardent eagerness to be well again.
2 Corinthians 7:10, 11 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."
This godly sorrow is comforting, because it doesn't end in death, but begins in an upward position, and ravenously reaches toward true healing.
Often, when seeking healing for these things, the symptoms often become worse before they become better. However, as stuff rises to the surface, my receptivity to Scripture and new words from the Lord becomes more acute.
Actually, these are more just pure, divine breakthroughs.
Again, yesterday, I sat in staff meeting with my other coworkers studying Matthew 16:21-28 together. We are going through a commentary on Matthew by Charles Price (a pastor I once heard in Toronto).
There are two things he says in his commentary in regards to the self-denial Christ speaks of:
1) "To remain single or to marry and have children is neither the goal nor the phobia of life. The goal is that at all times, in all circumstances, and at any cost we become the means by which God is able to do his work and fulfil his purpose, irrespective of personal implications to ourselves."
- for me, meaning this anxiety is one of the means by which God is doing His work (not that He wants me to have anxiety, but that it could be redeemed and used rightly)
2) "There is virtue only in settling the issue of the Lordship of Christ, and everything else falls into place as a consequence of that."
- God is Lord over this anxiety.
Similarly, an important distinction lies between worldly and godly sorrow. Worldly sorrow says in the face of anxiety - "Crap! I'm anxious again - what's wrong with me? I'm so messed up! I'll never be ok, etc., etc., etc." Godly sorrow, however, carries a far different component. Not only does the hope of healing ("salvation") lie in its midst, godly sorrow also carries an ardent eagerness to be well again.
2 Corinthians 7:10, 11 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."
This godly sorrow is comforting, because it doesn't end in death, but begins in an upward position, and ravenously reaches toward true healing.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Messiah
I'm writing a talk on "Messiah." - what does this word mean, what are its implications? This is all for a talk training that I will be a part of on the Vineyard next week as we have staff training.
It's been a long time since I've been on the Vineyard. I was at such a different place last August. I hadn't even moved into my apartment in New Haven, and I only knew one other person in that town besides my two roommates.
Now, I'm a part of a thriving church, a healing homegroup, and some great friends. Ministry is growing steadily, and I'm learning to go deeper in the girls' lives that God has entrusted to me.
However, I'm still in deep need of this Messiah/King. The Anointed One came to set us free. And while I can cling to Him, my feet feel weak sometimes and I have wavered much this year through different battles.
This talk I'm writing reminds me of His Kingship, and Priestly nature. My mom has an icon of Jesus as priest - however the turban-like thing he is wearing looks more like a regal crown. Perhaps it's meant to be that way.
I also have an icon in my room of Christ carrying a lamb. For all intensive purposes, he looks like he could have been one of the many shepherds I saw in Palestine. What impresses me now though about this icon though is His grip on the ankles of this lamb.
He will not let me turn! Psalm 18:36
This Jesus with His kingly and priestly nature, also stoops down low to save a lowly sheep from turning.
It's been a long time since I've been on the Vineyard. I was at such a different place last August. I hadn't even moved into my apartment in New Haven, and I only knew one other person in that town besides my two roommates.
Now, I'm a part of a thriving church, a healing homegroup, and some great friends. Ministry is growing steadily, and I'm learning to go deeper in the girls' lives that God has entrusted to me.
However, I'm still in deep need of this Messiah/King. The Anointed One came to set us free. And while I can cling to Him, my feet feel weak sometimes and I have wavered much this year through different battles.
This talk I'm writing reminds me of His Kingship, and Priestly nature. My mom has an icon of Jesus as priest - however the turban-like thing he is wearing looks more like a regal crown. Perhaps it's meant to be that way.
I also have an icon in my room of Christ carrying a lamb. For all intensive purposes, he looks like he could have been one of the many shepherds I saw in Palestine. What impresses me now though about this icon though is His grip on the ankles of this lamb.
He will not let me turn! Psalm 18:36
This Jesus with His kingly and priestly nature, also stoops down low to save a lowly sheep from turning.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Babies, babies, babies!!
Ok - so it's been a crazy week! 4 friends of mine have each had baby girls within the past week!
Jenny Rawlings Wernly (best friend from college) - gave birth to Anna Elizabeth Wernly!! She's in Seattle, so I'll hopefully get there sometime next month. I've only seen Jenny twice since our college graduation - so a trip to see her is definitely in order!
Mary Sommerville McCullough (another best friend from college) - gave birth to her second baby girl - Caroline! Her other daughter, Katie, is a dear, so I expect this little one to give them now double the laughs, smiles, and all that a daughter brings!
Anna Taylor (wife of co-worker for FOCUS in Boston) - I met her and her husband Dom this summer as I volunteered at Internship One at Martha's Vineyard. They are a marvelous couple and great encouragement to me in this work! Add to that - they are both from the UK and came out of the ministry that FOCUS is founded upon. Their daughter's name is Anabella!
Heather Lyman Alexander (best friend from childhood) - Her dad and my dad worked together at our church. She gave birth yesterday to a dear little girl! I still don't know her name, but will find out soon! She's only in NY, so i'll be there in a couple of days to visit!!
Psalm 127:3
"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him."
Jenny Rawlings Wernly (best friend from college) - gave birth to Anna Elizabeth Wernly!! She's in Seattle, so I'll hopefully get there sometime next month. I've only seen Jenny twice since our college graduation - so a trip to see her is definitely in order!
Mary Sommerville McCullough (another best friend from college) - gave birth to her second baby girl - Caroline! Her other daughter, Katie, is a dear, so I expect this little one to give them now double the laughs, smiles, and all that a daughter brings!
Anna Taylor (wife of co-worker for FOCUS in Boston) - I met her and her husband Dom this summer as I volunteered at Internship One at Martha's Vineyard. They are a marvelous couple and great encouragement to me in this work! Add to that - they are both from the UK and came out of the ministry that FOCUS is founded upon. Their daughter's name is Anabella!
Heather Lyman Alexander (best friend from childhood) - Her dad and my dad worked together at our church. She gave birth yesterday to a dear little girl! I still don't know her name, but will find out soon! She's only in NY, so i'll be there in a couple of days to visit!!
Psalm 127:3
"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him."
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