Written from a friend

One of my good friends in New Haven, a former NEBS (New England Boarding Schools) FOCUS staff worker, is currently in Palestine, tredding the same ground I lived on over a year ago. She's encountering many of the things I did - reacting in many of the same ways - and in a way, I'm re-living it - but praying new things for her, which I didn't have eyes and ears for at the time I was there.

This is an excerpt from an email she recently sent:
I find myself wrestling with to what extent our Lord asks us to fight on behalf of the oppressed, poor, and suffering, and to what extent what they truly need is just simply to know Him. I believe He asks us to strive to meet both needs, physical and spiritual, and I pray I will be able to while here, even if in the teeny tiniest of ways. But I've been haunted by the fact that while the disciples expected Jesus to overthrow Roman rule, and restore justice to his people, His answer to the suffering around Him was to die upon a cross. When does God ask us to fight injustice, and when does He ask us to simply follow Him in a path of suffering?

I wonder, in the midst of these questions, as well as I as wrote my talk a few weeks ago on the Jewish expectations of a Messiah, how much the disciples wrestled with these facts - and how Jesus addressed them. I'm sure they muttered comments about the injustices Roman guards inflicted upon them. How did Jesus respond to the soldiers?

I'm grateful for another friend to walk this road -may God's peace come to that region!

Reunion

I've had clear moments since I've been on staff with FOCUS where I sit back, think a bit, and wonder out loud - "How did I get here?" Voices and faces from my past are now in my midst, and these people continue to encourage and strengthen me. Many of them I never thought I'd see again. How did God lead me back into this mileu? Why is it particular encouraging to me?

First, FOCUS is familiar. I don't have to try to mold myself to an entirely different culture or language. I grew up in a prep school setting. This familiarity feels good after having strewn my heart around the world in the different places where God called me after college.

Secondly, many of the stereotypes and insecurities I wrestled with in high school are now being turned on their head. I talked recently with my brother about the issues of insecurity we suffered with in high school. We were never "cool," so at times, FOCUS seemed like this foreign yet familiar place, where "cool" kids heard about Jesus. However, now as I press further and further into these student's lives and fight with them back against the powers of darkness that cover so much of these schools, I more firmly believe how insecure we all are (and were) without Jesus at the center of our lives.

I remember when I first came on staff how insecure I felt because I didn't know all the current movies, music, or tv shows that were popular. In many ways, my high school insecurities cropped up as I started my new job. But as I really got to know the people I worked with and others I'd known since high school, I realized how utterly unfounded many of those insecurities and stereotypes were. Ultimately, Jesus seemed to have masterminded this entire job so that I could face and conquer these insecurities in ways that I never would have, had I not been on staff.

Obama Speech in Egypt on Jews and Israel

I sat for an hour in my apartment tonight, overjoyed at the ability of President Obama to clarify points of tension, and attempt through this speech, to nullify unhelpful stereotypes and the unhelpful hold that history has had on nations. I think this speech was monumental - not only because of a U.S. president's ability to speak in widely recognized Arab terms, but also because it did much to aid the work of reconciliation. For me, it was a rare moment of someone expressing how I feel after having lived in the West Bank for a couple of months.

I Love Commons (Davidson's I Love College Remix ft. Stephen Curry)

This is awesome!! And Totally true to life :)

PTSD, and Redemption

I recently discovered symptoms of PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) I have experienced this past year. Although not surprised, I felt relieved that I finally found a label. Like the redemptive process of naming sin and confessing it, the horrors I experienced are coming forth named, dealt with, and moving towards a path of redemption.

Posttraumatic stress disorder occurs when one has "lived through a traumatic event that caused them to fear for their lives, see horrible things, and feel helpless" .

The severity of the disorder depends on the following factors:
How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
If you lost someone you were close to or were hurt
How close you were to the event
How strong your reaction was
How much you felt in control of events
How much help and support you got after the event

For each of these factors, I could write a couple of stories.

What are some of the symptoms I have had?
- reliving the event
- avoiding situations that remind me of the event
- numbness
- being keyed up

Other "common problems" associated with PTSD include drug abuse, physical reactions, relational breakdown, employment issues, and feelings of hopelessness, shame, and despair. I'd be lying if I didn't say that this resonates.

Ephesians 6 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Learning how to recognize how these events impacted me and my ministry now, and how to engage my faith in that process remains the crux of the issue. The grace of God undergirds this entire process. Amen I'm on a process of learning to see how these events were not a barrier to my growth, but rather a means by which I am further developing my heart and passion for God's heart and His love for redemption of the world.

Anxiety, and Redemption

Yesterday, I found myself once again in the throes of anxiety. This remains a new, unknown struggle to me. Sure, unsure seasons have come upon me before in my life - but panic attacks are uncharted territory. This summer, this fall, and this spring I've come upon these crazy seasons.

Often, when seeking healing for these things, the symptoms often become worse before they become better. However, as stuff rises to the surface, my receptivity to Scripture and new words from the Lord becomes more acute.

Actually, these are more just pure, divine breakthroughs.

Again, yesterday, I sat in staff meeting with my other coworkers studying Matthew 16:21-28 together. We are going through a commentary on Matthew by Charles Price (a pastor I once heard in Toronto).

There are two things he says in his commentary in regards to the self-denial Christ speaks of:

1) "To remain single or to marry and have children is neither the goal nor the phobia of life. The goal is that at all times, in all circumstances, and at any cost we become the means by which God is able to do his work and fulfil his purpose, irrespective of personal implications to ourselves."
- for me, meaning this anxiety is one of the means by which God is doing His work (not that He wants me to have anxiety, but that it could be redeemed and used rightly)

2) "There is virtue only in settling the issue of the Lordship of Christ, and everything else falls into place as a consequence of that."
- God is Lord over this anxiety.

Similarly, an important distinction lies between worldly and godly sorrow. Worldly sorrow says in the face of anxiety - "Crap! I'm anxious again - what's wrong with me? I'm so messed up! I'll never be ok, etc., etc., etc." Godly sorrow, however, carries a far different component. Not only does the hope of healing ("salvation") lie in its midst, godly sorrow also carries an ardent eagerness to be well again.

2 Corinthians 7:10, 11 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

This godly sorrow is comforting, because it doesn't end in death, but begins in an upward position, and ravenously reaches toward true healing.

Messiah

I'm writing a talk on "Messiah." - what does this word mean, what are its implications? This is all for a talk training that I will be a part of on the Vineyard next week as we have staff training.

It's been a long time since I've been on the Vineyard. I was at such a different place last August. I hadn't even moved into my apartment in New Haven, and I only knew one other person in that town besides my two roommates.

Now, I'm a part of a thriving church, a healing homegroup, and some great friends. Ministry is growing steadily, and I'm learning to go deeper in the girls' lives that God has entrusted to me.

However, I'm still in deep need of this Messiah/King. The Anointed One came to set us free. And while I can cling to Him, my feet feel weak sometimes and I have wavered much this year through different battles.

This talk I'm writing reminds me of His Kingship, and Priestly nature. My mom has an icon of Jesus as priest - however the turban-like thing he is wearing looks more like a regal crown. Perhaps it's meant to be that way.

I also have an icon in my room of Christ carrying a lamb. For all intensive purposes, he looks like he could have been one of the many shepherds I saw in Palestine. What impresses me now though about this icon though is His grip on the ankles of this lamb.

He will not let me turn! Psalm 18:36

This Jesus with His kingly and priestly nature, also stoops down low to save a lowly sheep from turning.